Friday, October 3, 2008

A Satirical Reality

Before I go to sleep at night (which is seldom these days) I try to think of something amusing yet in keeping with whatever “truth” means these days. The following occurred to me whilst awaiting Morpheus to administer her sleeping potion. Since she failed to show I decided to reduce these thoughts to writing.

Now, I know that my Liberal friends are going to take offense and I truly don’t give a rat’s ass, but whatever criticism(s) I make are made honestly and truthfully from my heart without regard to partisan politics – and all in good fun. Life doesn’t begin and end with politics – except as you will discern in the following classic satirical memorial to ye of limited memory.

Should you be one of these unfortunates, I challenge you to write an equally witty rebuttal. Please omit your usual rhetorical bullshit, Bert, Ralph and Phil.

I have done my best to analyze the insane thoughts and irrational acts of Liberals and have come to the conclusion that they are all suffering from some form of idiopathic brain damage which may have occurred at the moment of conception. They felt rejected when ejected and bear an odd similarity to the instrument from which they were propelled. Feeling alone and abandoned by their "cannoneer", and having had to compete with so many others vying to join in the massive Easter egg hunt, they became morose, depressed and developed a “phallitistic” determination to disassociate themselves from the real world.

Floating around in a sac of fluid for nine months is what undoubtedly led to their fear of reality - and of someone adding too much water to their whiskey. Instinctively, they knew that sooner or later they were gonna get out of what they thought was a "hell hole". Little did they realize that this attitude would change radically with time!

Another thing that annoyed them was the constant practice of having some other damned dick jammed in their faces more often than they cared for. "What the hell is going on? Is this prick trying to put a head on me? Well, thank you very much, I already have my own head and I plan to grow up being a bigger prick than you are anyway!"

A Liberal's birth trauma knew no bounds. On the one hand he/she was happy to be "out", but unfortunately, they STILL have yet to see the light-of-day. The journey they took to get to the outside world probably gave them an early understanding of what "greasing the skids" meant.

To add insult to injury, the first contact they had with these enormous creatures resulted in their getting their asses whipped; a delight that others would enjoy more than once when these congenitally paranoid schizophrenics grew up to reveal their early birth defects.

These paradoxical offspring soon learned the pleasures of suckling at the free fountain of sustenance, thus giving them hope and courage to provide this gratuity to one and all once physically grown, able to read and write and talk in riddles; as in, "The answer to your riddle may well lie within the question". Whaaat?

As the attending physician to the greatest hypocrite of all time, Al Gore, purveyor of the personally lucrative myth that man is responsible for Global Warming (an absurd notion disproved by scientific fact), once so succinctly and eloquently said, “Senator, your only cure is to take an enema and hopefully blow your brains out – or whatever is rattling around inside that round thing on the top of your neck”.

It is my firm belief that the perspicacious Doctor was right and I highly recommend his sound medical advice to other similarly affected (infected?) Liberals.

And so it was. And there you have it. Regrettably ….

P.S. Women who accept sperm donors for artificial insemination, BEWARE! There could be a Liberal lurking in the Petri dish!!

William P. Lear, Jr.
Internationalist & Seeker of Truth, Justice and the American Way. (Confounded and perplexed at every turn by die-hard – won’t you EVER frigging die? - Liberals).

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