Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Proof Arrived.

T'was a lovely Saturday, September 27th 2008, as I impatiently awaited the arrival of our UPS delivery van. Had nothing better to do that morning. Had arisen at 0500 dingie-dongies suffering from anxiety in anticipation of seeing the proof copy of my novel "BERNIE'S WAR!".

I managed to gag down some packaged cereal laced with Kalua followed by a nervous puke. Feeling much better I left my hangar and hung out near the front door in case UPS might come early. I waved to a few early bird risers and gave my Greek next-door neighbor the finger whilst hurling some nifty Greek expletives at him. Now THAT'S a language rich in expletives that have all kinds of horrid meanings. Picked some of those up in Air Force flying school when a bunch of Greek students were going through at the same time. Of course, we taught them all the niceties of the English language, too. It was a riot. We taught them to say, "fuck you very much" instead of "thank you very much" and a variety of all sorts of other naughty words they could interject into their conversational English.

Nine and then ten o'clock came and went while I paced back-and-forth in front of our house. A few neighbors asked if anything was wrong. I simply told them that my wife, Brenda, had fallen down, was unconscious and that I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive - and then laughed. The poor sods didn't know what to think.

At eleven, tired and thirsty, I returned to my hangar muttering obscenities about the UPS driver's heritage. All kinds of things ran through my mind. I wondered if some dumb clown at the printers had forgotten to mark the package "For Saturday Delivery" thus leaving me in a full-swivel panic for the entire weekend. In a gesture of defiance, I cracked open an O'Doul's beer, added some salt and poured it down my gullet. In a few minutes I was belching like a cowboy whilst playing "Flatulating Rhythm" with my - well, you know what. Didn't seem to speed up the UPS dude, though.

Turned on the idiot box only to see some Muslim anal orifice telling us how he was gonna pull a trillion bucks out of his ass and give it to the needy. Not wishing to put a further strain on my own bowels, I turned that sumbitch immediately OFF. Sure wish it was that simple in real life.

At twelve noon I took a Valium and downed it with a shot of gin. It was only a matter of minutes before I was in la-la land. Awakened at two and lurched across the pool deck and into the house groping my way toward the front door.

EUREKA! There was a package by the door that looked like it might contain a book - and it DID. The frigging UPS dude hadn't even bothered to ring the doorbell and just dropped it by the door. It took me about fifteen minutes to figure out how to get the damned book box opened. There is NO way to get it opened short of destroying it and the contents therein. After breaking two fingernails I next pondered whether a chainsaw or a chisel and hammer would be best. I settled on tin-snips and this did the trick.

Sliding that book out of its shipping container was almost sexual! I was so pleased by its appearance that I didn't know if I was coming or going! At bloody last I was holding it in my hand (the book) and it looked just SUPERB! Hell, let's face it, at age 80 almost anything looks superb!

Ever onward to the marketplace or, as we say in Latin 101, "Ad Fornicatorium" - or something like that ....

Friday, September 26, 2008

Waiting on the Elusive Proof

I'm ever so glad that it's cooled off and can't wait for Sunday to arrive for it'll be then that I can bring my recliner and beach umbrella back into the hangar from where I've been using them next to our mailbox whilst awaiting a never-to-be-seen UPS delivery van bearing an almost forgotten novel proof.

I fear, alas, that my time has been ill-spent and have run out of wine and booze twice already while watching the grass grow and the ice cubes in my drink melt. What a bummer.

My consolation is that passersby have brought me sandwiches and refreshed my heady elixir from time-to-time as they prattle on about their drab little retired lives. I've learned all about the plethora of deaths that have occurred to their loved ones and this always cheers me up.

If you have any news or tales of piss-sorry excuses the printer may have related to you, please drop me a snailmail note and this will give me something to look forward to. I always enjoy rapping with our postman and like to kid him about his cancer prognosis.

Much love from the Lear family.

Ever thine,

Bilious Bill

Thursday, September 25, 2008

It All Boils Down to This.

A Humble Plea To Obama Supporters:

Dear friends,

I am truly astonished by the ignorance Obama supporters have displayed in their quest to get someone - ANYONE - into the White House. Now, wait a minute. I can well understand your dislike or even hatred of our naive GWB, but he is not the root cause of all of our problems. Our Congress is. And a change there would be welcomed by all. You ain't gonna get it done with Obama. You gotta fire the whole damnable crooked Congress. (Read my book, "BERNIE'S WAR!").

Perhaps I'm looking at all of this from a different perspective than you because my life experiences have been so different from yours. I'm 80-years old and have traveled the world where I've seen a great deal. I spent five years on active duty as a fighter pilot in the USAF and another seven years flying with the Air National Guard in California and Texas as well as a few years flying in the USAF Reserve. I spent three years on active duty in Germany flying Czech border patrol with "cold guns" in aircraft inferior to the MIG during the Korean "Police Action" when it was thought that Korea was a diversion for a Soviet invasion of Western Europe.

I lived abroad for a total of 28 years. Three years in Germany, twenty years in Switzerland and five years in Great Britain where I was based doing "spook" work for the U.S. behind the Iron Curtain before it fell. During that era of the Cold War I ventured to Moscow, Prague, Warsaw, Bucharest, Peshawar, Pakistan and Bulgaria posing as a Swiss French-speaking arms dealer purchasing weapons we surreptitiously supplied to the Afghani Mujahadeen in their successful fight against the Soviets - all of which came back to haunt us.

I've been there and done that and have had close associations with top government people in Germany, the Netherlands and Great Britain. I've had more foreign affair experience than Obama could ever dream of and, yet, wouldn't have the temerity to deign myself "Presidential" material; although I feel eminently more qualified to judge who would NOT be best for our country. My long-time world experience should count for something in my plea to you to abandon this miscreant flake. You will only be doing yourself and our country an enormous disservice if you persist in your support of this flash-in-the-pan opportunist.

I've associated closely with European royalty and African politicians. I've traveled to the Far East to observe their cultures. My point is that Obama, although formally well educated and a brilliant “speaker”, is a neophyte when it comes to understanding the world and is uniquely unqualified for the job as President of these great United States. His knowledge of economics is nil and his tax proposals absurd and life-threatening to the U.S. not only in economic terms but in preserving our national security as well. I don't want a "citizen of the world" to be President, I want a citizen of the good old USA to be President. Screw the rest of the world as they have well and truly screwed us. The time has come for us to awaken and start looking after ourselves. Now THAT would be CHANGE if that's what you're looking for.

While McCain has abstained from playing "the race-card", Obama is playing it to the hilt. Obama is more Muslim than black yet he trades on his blackness.

The larger question I have about him is that we really don't know much about him other than what HE tells us, what we read on blogs and from some serious non-partisan investigators whose factual reports are, unfortunately, generally ignored and which receive precious little media exposure.

I, as a registered Independent, a military veteran and a patriot, beseech you to put aside party considerations and vote for the lesser of the two evils. Yes, I am NOT a McCain supporter, but he is, at least, not a flake, doesn't carry Muslim baggage and is a PROVEN hero and patriot WITH experience. It's not a party issue. It's all about electing the best we can trust with what we've got to work with. Mr. Obama is NOT that guy.

Please, please rethink your voting position.

Thanks for reading my innermost thoughts. I care about all of you, but I care more about our country. Please help me to do both.

William P. (Bill) Lear, Jr.
(386) 763-5051

Good News

P.S. I'm sane again, but missing Smokey more and more. Had a couple to his memory tonight.

Have given up on the world, but am trying to have a last shot at saving what we have left which, I fear, is not much. The luge simply accelerates without brakes heading for the abyss while those silly bastards in government actually believe their stolen money will be worth something.

If lucky, I won't be here to see it so let US get rich as soon as we can and buy gold!!

Much love from your ever grateful impatient curmudgeon,


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Writer's Frustration

Hi Guys,

Have been driving myself - and probably you, too - crazy with this book project.

Have reached the point where I realize there's nothing more that you or I can do to expedite this.

So, for the sake of both our sanities I'm simply giving up and, at this point, really don't give a rat's ass if I ever see the frigging thing finished. I'll believe it when I see it and in the meantime will just go back to drinking again with my flying buddies and having a super old time! Sure wish Smokey was still around to join us.

Pls call if you hear anything. I shall remain silent in the meatime.

Sure love you guys -


Friday, September 19, 2008

We're Starting to Get Somewhere

This book cover will hit my web book-site, either the 19th or 20th of this month.

The design concept is mine and the artist was Bill LaRocque of Maryland. Being so far apart you can imagine the E's flying back-and-forth beginning with pencil sketches to the finished product. My publishing consultants, Carbon Press of Daytona Beach, Florida, have done a marvelous job of pulling this all together while aiding in the actual design phase. We have formed a collaboration for the marketing and distribution of the books that will prove to be a winning effort.

We're already receiving orders and the books won't be available until about Oct 1st. We're most excited about this.

Based on the interest we've received from various literary marketing sources, there will be an initial printing of 500 copies for distribution to friends, the media and disgruntled Liberals followed by a printing of 50,000 copies. If all goes as planned, this will be just a beginning.

Of the 50,000 copies we're committed to, we also plan to ship an, as yet, unspecified number of free copies to our troops overseas.

Some of you receiving this email, will be receiving a complimentary copy. These will first go to the six Liberal friends I have with my love and condolences, followed by shipments to family and close friends. There's got to be a cut-off point lest the 1,800 rational friends I have could create a financial crisis for me! I hope you will all understand.

Orders can be placed through our website Cost, including S&H, is $24

Have fun with my "BERNIE".

All best wishes to you and love to my family,

Lear Books Publishing